Have you ever accomplished something that scared the shit out of you? Something that in the middle of it you were fairly certain you were going to fail? That was natural childbirth for me. I’m so goddamn proud of myself! I can do anything because I managed to push a 9 pound 4 ounce baby out of my body without the benefit of drugs.
Everyone who heard that it was my plan thought I was a lunatic. Why, they asked, would you choose to do it without drugs the third time? Especially when you had drugs the first two? Well, both of those experiences were less than ideal and I was hoping to never recreate them. With Cara I was in a teaching hospital and often felt like a piece of meat. Especially when two classes of residents piled in to watch me deliver. Gotta get in that normal vaginal delivery! They even let a resident sew me up until I threatened to kick her in the face…and even then they missed some stuff. Isabella was induced three days early for no real reason. And because of that I was not allowed to sit up, roll over or get up for 14 hours. 14 HOURS ON MY BACK. It was a joy. Then she just slide out onto the bed with three minutes of pushing. Nope, no thank you. We will not be revisiting this.
So when I found that I was pregnant with Francesca, I took a page from Miranda’s book and went looking for a midwife. Miranda had been incredibly well cared for before, during and after her labor and delivery and I was looking for a similar experience. So I decided that I wanted to give birth at Roosevelt Birthing Center and worked backwards from there to find my midwife. My midwives had been involved in the planning and execution of the Birthing Center so I felt that would be a good place to start. And I was right.
Columbus Circle OB/GYN was amazing. Sandy, Cori, Jeanne, Melissa & Susannah took amazing care of me. Yes, the wait times were, occasionally, excruciating, but it was worth it. They were with me every step of the way up and through labor and delivery.
What I was not anticipating was hospital policies/politics getting in the way of the experience I was looking for. I feel like I wasted $80 taking a class on the Birthing Center that was completely wasted. But we’ll get to that.
On Wednesday, my due date, a date no one expected me to still be pregnant on, I went in to see the midwives…as I was still pregnant. Cori checked me out and pronounced that we were making progress but it was a bit slower than I’d like. Between the week before and this appointment I’d made no progress dilating but my cervix seemed to be softening. She offered to strip my membranes in the interest of getting things moving. Then she asked how I felt about induction because if I went much longer I wouldn’t be able to get into the Birthing Center. Would I be willing to try, say, castor oil? My feeling was, as long as I’m not strapped to a bed I’m willing to try it. So the decision was made that if Saturday morning arrived without the arrival of a baby we would do castor oil at 6 am and see if we couldn’t get things started.
This was the point at which I should have just gone home. I had attempted to tell myself that I knew there was no change and to not get my hopes up. But there is only so much you can delude yourself into not hoping for something. And I was a bit crushed when I was told to go home and wait. Instead I went back to work to wait…wrong decision. My emotions were all over the place, one minute I was fine, the net having a panic attack. Which was the point my boss suggested that perhaps I take some of comp time from holy week and not come in the next day. Obviously, being the overachiever I am, I went in the next day but left early.
Thursday afternoon I met Miranda and Michelle and the kids in Central Park. We played in Sheep’s Meadow, smelled some lilacs and then walked around until we found Belvedere Castle. It was nice to be out of the office, spend some time with my kids and just get some fresh air. Apparently, it was also what I needed to be doing to get that kid out since at 5:15 the next morning my water broke..into my toilet! NO MESS TO CLEAN UP!
I waited a bit just to make sure that was what had happened, called my mom to give her the heads up and then called the midwives at 5:45 am. The answering service let me know that there was a shift change happening in 15 minutes and did I want to wait? Since I wasn’t having contractions I said sure and went about getting the girls ready to go to Grandma’s house. At 6 am Sandy, the midwife, called to check in. She asked how I was doing and said to give her a call back when my other kids were off to Grandma’s house. In the meantime she would contact the Birth Center to get everything set up.
It took my mom a bit to get to us, and then it took the kids a bit to want to leave, but we finally got everyone out of the house by 9 am. Which was good because I was starting to have contractions and they were starting to be a bit uncomfortable. I called Sandy back and let her know that the monsters were gone and that’s when she dropped the first bomb. Apparently, we wouldn’t be going to the Birthing Center. Um…what? Well, they didn’t have enough nurses to send someone downstairs for just one patient. Um…what? That was not in the class I took. That was never discussed as a possibility. We had heard about the possibility of there being no rooms available, or not meeting the criteria. Never was it discussed that there was the potential for not enough staffing.
Well, Sandy was not pleased with that answer either and said she was going over to fight with them about it but to meet her up in Labor and Delivery as we had to go there first anyway for monitoring. So we grabbed our stuff and hopped in a cab…and to say that was the most uncomfortable ride of my life would be an understatement. Just getting off the 59th Street Bridge was horrendous. But we got there and went up to L & D.
While sitting in triage Sandy came in and said they wouldn’t budge so we would be staying upstairs. She apologized profusely, like any of this was her fault, and said she would do her best to give me a Birthing Center experience upstairs in L & D. And then she bundled us off to our room. We were introduced to the nurse…who’s name for the life of me I can’t remember. I got myself settled, they put me on the monitor and Sandy let her know that no IV would be necessary. This was the amazing to me. With the first two I received an IV without question, and was delighted when all they did was take my blood. They got me all set on the monitor and Sandy checked my cervix. I still wasn’t dilating quickly but she wasn’t worried about it. I was at 4 centimeters and -2 effacement which means progress was happening. This was about 10 am. Sandy then let me know that if everything progressed well we could go home that day if I wanted to. REALLY?! I don’t have to stay in the hospital!? I could sleep in my own bed tonight? YES PLEASE!!! (I hate hospitals.)
Nothing interesting happened for a while and then the contractions really kicked in. Holy shit. That was painful. And when I was checked I was at 5 cm which meant I still had awhile to go. And this is when I started telling Nick I couldn’t do it. That if I had another 5 cm to go and it had taken us this long (it was about 12 at this point) to get here I was in for a world of pain for several hours. Could he please go tell Sandy I wanted an epidural? He tried to convince me that I could do it, that I WAS doing it,, but I couldn’t hear anything except the pain. So, he went out in the hall to get her, told her I was asking for an epidural, and she said, “Oh no. Okay, I’ll be right in.”
And this is where she truly was my advocate in this birth process. She didn’t come in and deny me pain medication. She didn’t try and talk me out of it. She simply came in and suggested we take a walk and see if we couldn’t shake that baby a bit lower. As I was lying in the bed she decided to check my cervix and said that we still had about an hour. It was then a contraction hit and I announced I couldn’t do it…”You can do anything for a minute,” she said. I just wasn’t sure I could do another hour with them coming that quickly together. But I was willing to go for the walk.
Up out of the bed and down the hall we went, Sandy on one side, Nick on the other. Every time a contraction hit she had me move my hips back and forth like we were dancing. She encouraged me to relax, look up and be present in the moment. She said that I should be present in what my body was doing, feel the baby moving down, allow it to do what it needed to do. And, in retrospect, I can tell you that I went I let go and did what was asked of me I could feel my body relaxing and making space for her to come out. We did this walk and then Nick and I danced for awhile in the room. Then Sandy came in to check me again.
She asked me to lie down on my left side and she was going to check. As I lay down the head nurse came in and said I needed to go back on the monitor. Well, I did what was asked of me and promptly informed them I wasn’t staying that way. Except by this point I was not terribly coherent. So I think I managed, “OW! I CAN’T! THIS HURTS!” Because lying on your left side while in labor is apparently excruciating. This, to Sandy, was a good sign so she decided to check me again. And in that 20 minutes (maybe) that we had taken a walk and come back inside I had almost completely dilated. She looked at Nick and said, “Well, I was wrong. It won’t be an hour…it’ll be about five minutes.” And then she said if I felt like pushing I should. AND SO I DID! I pushed and pushed. And about 10 minutes later my 9 pound 4.4 ounce perfect little baby was out.
That sense of euphoria they say you experience, that rush of love and attachment, I felt that. They put her sticky, gooey self on my chest and it was the most amazing moment. I had missed that with my other two; they took them away and cleaned them up before I could get at them. They were all trussed up like a turkey before I saw them which made it hard to count fingers and toes. I loved them all immediately. I knew how perfect they all were immediately. But nothing compared to the feeling when I gave birth to Francesca. There was the intense love coupled with an new emotion…pride. That feeling of accomplishment. I was now unstoppable, I can do anything. After pushing out a 9 lb. baby I’m certain that I can do anything that I put my mind to. No, I didn’t do this by myself, but do we do anything by ourselves? Don’t we often have people supporting us, one on one side and one on the other, letting us know we can do anything? I had an amazing support team through this whole process, not just that day but the days leading up, and when I was scared and didn’t think I could do it they jumped right in. I know Nick was scared, nothing quite like watching your wife scream in pain, but he was with me the whole time, encouraging me and supporting me while we completed our family.
And 10 days later I can tell you that doing this without medication was the best decision I’ve ever made. I could feel everything I was going through which meant I didn’t strain to hard to push her out, and this allowed my body to heal faster. But mentally I feel so much…SANER then I did the first two times. I feel more present, patient, aware. It’s amazing. I feel remarkably normal…which is certainly not how I expected to feel. It’s amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still hormonal and things still get a bit wacky but the mood swings are not as bad…I hope it stays that way. Check back in with me in two months. Until then I’ll be sitting her staring at my accomplishment.
